Feels like...

The worst day of my life today..

I dunno why, but today feels like a 'Let-all-Yell-at-Ivy' day. It started first thing in the morning after I woke up.

Sigh..

Seems like everyone is taking me for granted in the house. I'm feeling super tired as it is, but I have to do some many things which apparently is still not enough in my mom's opinion. My mom even commented that it looks as if I'm renting the house from them and not a part of the family considering I do not help around the house.

That's just crap, because as far as I know, I chip in for the utility bill, help with dinner, wash the dishes and help with laundry. Hell, I'm even paying my own bills, which I've been doing ever since I started working full-time. That's more than what my free-loader brother does, but he's got a free pass cause he's a boy, and the favourite in the family.

Everyone can see that my parents favour my brother more than me, except for my mom. She thinks I'm jealous. I'm just angry he gets free passes all the time, whereas I try so hard to prove myself and all I get is crap from her.

Grrr.. Not a great day for me..

Plus I have a sick person to look after, so that's another ungrateful cranky person giving me crap.

Also, that time of the month is upon me. So I'm starting to be cranky and emotional as hell. Which sucks big time..

Maybe I really just need time and space to myself. Clear my head a little. I really need a place of my own. Somewhere away from the family..

Feeling so tired sometimes, all I wanna do is to crawl into a hole and never come out..

Maybe just mood swings..

I'll be better tomorrow.. I guess...

Anyways, have a great Sunday everyone.

P.S. Really happy for a friend who has finally found someone special. You deserve to be happy, being the greatest person ever, in my opinion. Wish you both happiness and bliss~! =P

Complicated

Sorry I haven't been posting..

Things have been a little complicated and yet simple at the same time..

A lot has been going through my mind. Haven't been sleeping well cause of the things running through my mind when I'm trying to fall asleep. I never used to have that problem as far as a year ago. I guess as people grow up, so does their responsibilities and the things that worry them.

-----

A small update about what I've been up to:

- Tried to apply for a flat but was unsuccessful. So just gonna keep looking and trying. If we're lucky, might be able to get a place maybe in 3-4 years time.

- Gonna be going back to driving. After a 3 months hiatus, I've completely lost touch with everything to do with a car.. Haha..

- Waiting for my diploma to start. It's in Feb 2011, and somehow it seems so far and yet so near. I'm having a bit of nervousness about the course. I hope I dun do too bad. Worst would be me being super lazy. I've never really been a person who can motivate herself. =P

-----

The thing about parents is that we'll always sorta be their babies forever. There's many different types: the coddling ones (who still does your laundry and make you dinner even in your 30s), the encouraging ones (who can make you believe you truly can succeed in whatever you wanna be) and the ambitious ones (who signs you up for music/dance/acting/foreign languages etc lessons).

And then there's my parents. My dad doesn't really care about what I become cause I am a girl. And that means eventually, I will get married and be out of his hair by then. My mom is very mood-oriented when it comes to dealing with us kids. If she's a bad mood, she scolds/complains/nags at everyone. If she's in an awesome mood, she'll be laughing/buying stuffs/having fun with you.

I guess I'm like that to a certain extent. But the only difference is, I'm very protective about what I call mine. That includes my room, my lifestyle, my friends and my boyfriend. As much as I want to protect what is mine, sometimes she does get to them.

I know in some ways she cares for me, but her words tend to be harsh, almost to the point where she will draw blood when she strikes to win. You'll feel like the lowest scum ever to exist in this world and you'll hate everyone for it.

So what does one do, when she's criticises your boyfriend? Would you tell him? Or keep it from him to protect him from the mental torture?

For me, I always tell the truth because in a way, I hoped he would take it as a feedback, and try to do better. But being a stubborn man, he gets angry. After being with my mom for all my life, the only way to diffuse the whole situation and get her off my back, is to pretend and play-act in front of her. That's how me and my brother survived. So that's what I suggested him to do to get her off his back.

My bf however, hates doing that. He thinks if you were to do something, why should you do it so ppl can see. He doesn't understand it as self-preservation and it's hard for me to explain when he doesn't get it. I feel he's not trying hard enough but then again, nothing is ever good enough for my mom.

I love my mom, dun get me wrong, but she's so frustrating sometimes in her thinking, it kills me. Like I wanna shake her so hard until she gets it.

Sigh...

It's late and I'm tired. Sorry if this post didn't make sense.. Just needed to get it off before I go to bed..

Anyways...

Have a good week everyone.. Take care~!